I Can Explain!
by I HEART JATAE
Summary: Um, this is the outcome of writer's block and too much sugar. Sillyfic. It involves most of the main characters of X-men, so everyone'll be happy. Beware of slashiness! Rated for language and some naughtiness.


I Can Explain!  
GypsyJ  
  
A/N: Don't own the X-men, they belong to Marvel, blah blah, woof woof. Christina Aguilera belongs to... herself, I guess, and Twinkies in all their beef-fattiness belong to Hostess. But The Comic Book Fanfic Writer's Manuel and a whole lotta the pairing ideas are mine. Not much to say about this story. Definitely a sillyfic, and people tend to like my sillyfics better than my other fics, snd they're just SO easy to write... Anyways. Um, I mostly wrote this because I had writer's block and couldn't decide which X-pairing to write about, so I-- well, you'll see. :-)  
  
::CURTAIN::  
  
SCENE: Bobby's room. Bobby and Remy are making mad monkey love on his bed, just like they always do at three o'clock in the afternoon, no matter how little sense the couple makes.  
  
REMY: Oh, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby--  
  
WARREN: Bobby?! ::looks back and forth between the two lovers (for lack of better word) on the bed:: You cheating 'ho!  
  
BOBBY: Uh... I can explain!  
  
WARREN: I was talking to Remy!  
  
BOBBY: WHAT?! But... but... you're s'posed to be dating meeeeee!  
  
REMY: An' you s'posed t'be datin' ME, chere.  
  
WARREN: And you're BOTH supposed to be dating me!  
  
ROGUE: And yoah ALL s'posed ta be datin' ME!  
  
WARREN: I'm not.  
  
ROGUE: Y'are now. ::kisses Warren passionately::  
  
REMY AND BOBBY: Hey!! That's MY girlfriend and boyfriend!!  
  
WARREN: What happened to your powers, Rogue?  
  
ROGUE: Oh, that? Ah've been able t'control 'em the whole time.  
  
REMY: Den why din' you, chere?  
  
ROGUE: ::shrug:: Dunno. Just felt lahk bein' a tease, Ah guess.  
  
MAGNETO: Hey! What are you doing with these low-lifes?!  
  
ROGUE: Erik! Uh, Ah can explain--  
  
MAGNETO: I was talking to Bobby!  
  
BOBBY: Huh?  
  
MAGNETO: Don't you remember?  
  
BOBBY: No...  
  
MAGNETO: We went on that secret roadtrip together!  
  
BOBBY: You forced me to!  
  
MAGNETO: It doesn't matter! Look, it says right here in the Comic Book Fanfic Writer's Manual-- ::reaches under his ever-present cape, takes out a book the size of a large dictionary, flips to some random page, closes his eyes and points to a line, then opens his eyes again:: "Any two characters who go on a roadtrip together automatically have some sort of sexual relationship."  
  
REMY: I don' recall any Comic Book Fanfic Writer's Manual ev'r bein' published, chere...  
  
MAGNETO: "And any person who gets called 'chere' by Gambit is automatically in some sort of sexual relationship with him."  
  
REMY: But Remy call ev'ryone "chere", chere!  
  
MAGNETO: It doesn't matter! C'MERE, LOVERBOY!!!  
  
::Magneto lunges for Remy (who is still naked and in a very compromising position with Bobby, though no one seems to notice), causing the three of them to tumble onto the floor together::  
  
STORM: Bobby? Remy? ERIK?!  
  
BOBBY, REMY & MAGNETO: Uh, I can explain!!  
  
STORM: ::sob:: No! I don't want to hear it! You've broken my heart! ::sob, sniffle:: If anyone needs me, I'll be eating Twinkies in my garden.  
  
ROGUE: Wait, Ororo! Ah have ta come an'... uh... have sex with ya! Yeah, that's a good cover-up...  
  
::Storm and Rogue run off, giggling::  
  
WARREN: Isn't Ororo a health-freak? ::everyone nods:: Then why is she eating Twinkies?  
  
ORORO: ::pops up:: They're Diet Twinkies! ::disappears again::  
  
LOGAN: What the flamin' hell is goin' on in here?  
  
REMY: Oh, uh, Logan! I c'n explain, chere!  
  
BOBBY: Wait, he's MY boyfriend! I'M supposed to be explaining!!  
  
::Logan scratches his chin and looks up in thought::  
  
LOGAN: Naw, that's okay. I've always had this group sex fantasy, anyway...  
  
::Remy brightens considerably::  
  
REMY: Really, chere?  
  
ERIK: What in the name of Copper does "chere" mean, anyway?  
  
GYPSYJ: It means "expensive".  
  
BOBBY: Who are you?  
  
::GypsyJ runs her eyes rather provocatively over Bobby and Remy lying in a sprawling, sweaty, naked heap on the floor::  
  
GYPSYJ: I'm a fifteen-year-old girl who wrote this story so she could see you two naked. Now if I could only get Kurt in here...  
  
::With a BAMF, Kurt appears next to her, wearing nothing but a towel::  
  
KURT: What am I doing here?  
  
GYPSYJ: I brought you here! YOU ARE UNDER MY POWER!!!  
  
KURT: No I'm not!  
  
GYPSYJ: Yes you are! And so is the sexiest comic-man ever, Bobby!  
  
BOBBY: No I'm not!  
  
GYPSYJ: Yes you ARE, dammit!!!  
  
BOBBY: Am not!  
  
GYPSYJ: Are too!  
  
BOBBY: Am not!  
  
GYPSYJ: Are too!  
  
BOBBY: Am-- wait, did you just call me sexy?  
  
GYPSYJ: No, I called you sexy seven lines ago.  
  
BOBBY: Oh.  
  
REMY: What 'bout Remy, chere? Ain' I sexy no more?  
  
GYPSYJ: Well, you're hot and all, but you're just not as charmingly insecure and CUTE as Bobby is!  
  
BOBBY: HA! See, Kurt? I TOLD you someone thought I was cute! Fifty bucks, cough it up.  
  
KURT: ::cocking his head and striking a very thoughtful pose:: Hmmmm... you know, from a certain angle...  
  
GYPSYJ: Hey! Don't give him such a big head or you'll ruin his innocent, insecure cuteness!  
  
KURT: Don't you have a story to write, fraulein?  
  
GYPSYJ: Oh. Right. ::GypsyJ disappears in a puff of pink smoke::  
  
WARREN: Anyway...  
  
BOBBY: Hey, you haven't said anything in awhile, War...  
  
WARREN: I got distracted.  
  
MAGNETO: By what?  
  
WARREN: A mirror.  
  
BOBBY: You're so easily distracted, War-- ooooh, shiny pretty thing! ::Bobby stares dazedly at some random metal object in his room::  
  
JEAN: Logan? Remy? Warren? Bobby? Erik? Kurt? GYPSYJ?!?!  
  
GYPSYJ: Huh?  
  
JEAN: Oh, sorry GypsyJ... I got caught up in the spirit of things.  
  
GYPSYJ: Riiiiight.......  
  
JEAN: Well, getting back to the point... You cheating ho's!  
  
EVERYONE (except GypsyJ): BUT WE CAN EXPLAIN!!!  
  
JEAN: Aw screw it, I love you all anyway!!  
  
SCOTT: Jean?!  
  
JEAN: Oh, hi, Scott.  
  
::long pause::  
  
SCOTT: Well?  
  
JEAN: Well... what?  
  
SCOTT: Aren't you going to say "I can explain"?  
  
JEAN: ::looks up in thought:: No, no I don't think so. You see, my dear Scott, you're just too boring to deserve an explanation.  
  
SCOTT: ::sob:: You guys are mean! I'M GONNA GO CRY ON MY PILLOW!!! ::runs off crying like a little girl::  
  
JUBILEE: Hi, everyone!  
  
EVERYONE: JUBILEE!!! ::everyone stampedes towards the doorway where Jubilee is standing::  
  
JUBILEE: Okay, everyone, listen up! Take a number, I'm gonna raffle off time slots!  
  
LOGAN: Hey, Jubilee, when'd you get so popular?  
  
::Jubilee shrugs::  
  
LOGAN: ::sniff, sniff:: Hey, you guys smell somethin'?  
  
::Everyone takes a whiff of the air::  
  
WARREN: Hmmm... Yeah, I smell it, too...  
  
::Bobby goes suddenly pale::  
  
JEAN: It smells like... like... hairspray?  
  
::A strange fog begins drifting into the room. Music is heard playing from... somewhere. Jubilee, who is still standing in the doorway, is shoved out of the way to reveal the most eeeeevil people on the planet--::  
  
EVERYONE: OPAL TANAKA AND CHRISTINA AGUILERA?!?!?!  
  
GYPSYJ: Hey, I needed SOME sort of badguy, and these are the two most evilest people ever!  
  
MAGNETO: Well, I don't think anyone's going to argue with you on that one...  
  
OPAL: MUAHAHAHAHA!!!! The two eeeevilest and selfishest people ever have bonded together to form the... uh...  
  
CHRISTINA: Super Evil Selfish Girls!!!  
  
OPAL: Yeah! Good one, Christina! ::high-five's her::  
  
WARREN: You two are total dorks...  
  
OPAL: You should talk, rich boy!  
  
WARREN: At least I didn't leave Bobby for my cousin!  
  
CHRISTINA: ::whispering:: He's got a point, Opal...  
  
OPAL: Shut up, you little silicon whore!  
  
CHRISTINA: How about I take that little skull earring of yours and stick it up your--  
  
GYPSYJ: Hey! You two are supposed to be joining forces!  
  
OPAL & CHRISTINA: ::grumble, grumble:: Okay.  
  
::Jean and Warren try to attack Opal, but she lifts up her leg and suffocates them with her giant pants. The others are about to help when Christina breaks into some horrible dance moves::  
  
KURT (still wearing only a towel because this is MY story, dammit!): Ach, no! She can't dance!  
  
REMY: Oh, de pain!  
  
MAGNETO: I've been blinded!  
  
::So Jubilee is unconscious from being shoved to the floor, Warren and Jean are being suffocated by pants, Bobby is crouched on the floor rocking back and forth and muttering to himself, and everyone else is being blinded by Christina Aguilera's horrible dancing.::  
  
MAGNETO: It's all up to you, Bobby!  
  
BOBBY: But... it's *Opal* and *Christina*!  
  
KURT: I know it's scary, Bobby, but you have to face your fears!  
  
BOBBY: I can't...  
  
JEAN (in TP, as her mouth is covered in pants because she is suddenly uncapable of using her TK because then the fight would be over in about two seconds and what's the fun in that?): Bobby, you have to face your fears and save us!  
  
BOBBY: But--  
  
REMY: Oh, f'r Christ's sake, just kick de li'l whore's ass!  
  
BOBBY: Oh. Okay! ::Bobby shoots some ice at Christina, freezing her so she can't dance anymore (not that she ever could). Bobby somehow manages to freeze Opal's pants without freezing Jean or Warren, and as we all remember from sixth grade physics, cold makes things shrink. So now Opal's pants will be forever small and shriveled, which happens to be a vast improvement.::  
  
OPAL: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-- ::gets hit by a car, ala Scary Movie::  
  
JUBILEE (who has just awakened): Where did the car come from?  
  
MAGNETO: Heh heh heh heh heh.....  
  
WARREN: Well, that takes care of the Opal Tanaka and Christina What-the-fuck-ever problem, but how are we gonna work out our obvious relationship issues?  
  
LOGAN: Okay, I'll take Jubes, Remy gets Jean, Warren gets Bobby, and Magneto gets nobody cuz he's too old.  
  
MAGNETO: Hey!  
  
LOGAN: Okay, fine. You can have Scott.  
  
MAGNETO: Yeah, like THAT'S a whole lot better...  
  
LOGAN: And that just leaves Elf over there.  
  
GYPSYJ: ::eeeeevil grin:: Boy, have I got plans for you, Kurt...  
  
KURT: ::horrified look:: No! Don't leave me alone with her! She has a bondage fetish!  
  
GYPSYJ: Bondage? No no no, it's food sex, not bondage, silly! And I've also got a wierd obsession with your fur. And your tail. And your ears. And your... everything... ::dreamy look as she latches herself on to Kurt::  
  
KURT: Oh. Well, that's okay then.  
  
::So Everyone goes off to have sex with whoever they've been partnered with and they all live happily ever after, except Scott who is very sad and lonely and boring, Professor X who wasn't even in the story (thank god-- one old guy in a sex fic is enough) because he is equally boring, and Magneto who was pouting because he got paired with Scott but then decided to go join Ororo and Rogue in a white-haired threeway so he lived happily ever after anyway, then Professor came to comfort Scott and they discovered a newfound lust for eachother and then THEY lived happily ever after, so everyone really did end up living happily ever after::  
  
THE END  
  
HANK: Hey, how come I wasn't in it?!  
  
GYPSYJ: How come you're not using big words?  
  
HANK: YOU'RE the one typing this story, not me!  
  
GYPSYJ: Exactly.  
  
HANK: ::sniffle:: I can see I'm not wanted around here...  
  
GYPSYJ: Awww! ::hugs Hank:: Don't worry, Hanklies, I'll write a fic about you and some random person!  
  
HANK: ..."Hanklies"?  
  
GYPSYJ: Don't ask.  
  
HANK: Right.  
  
THE *REAL* END!!! 


End file.
